Tribe.net. Local Connections Darla http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#d66de03d-feb7-4b53-a1a4-55eea94a954a 2009-05-22T00:27:48Z 2009-05-22T00:27:48Z

Good for you, Dreamer. And it's ok if you go on an (O)GNO (the first O - for OLD - is SILENT!!!). Have fun. Need to do that myself, although had a visit with a friend from Vermont and had a great time. I have known her since high school, was in her wedding (still haven't forgiven her for the dress - a bunch of us were dressed in light blue satin - it looked like a pod of whales), her son is my godson, etc. It was great to be with her and her family, if only just for a little bit. So, my advice is do something you enjoy, even if it's getting together with a friend for coffee. It does lift the spirit.

Darla 2009-05-22T00:27:48Z Dreamer http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#082df199-5f35-44b6-885a-12b94ae7ab31 2009-05-21T23:28:42Z 2009-05-21T23:28:42Z

yes aging sucks... and makes going out and trying to have a Girls Night OUt a bit hard to fathom... but i am attempting this friday :) am feeling a bit better, not a lot though

Dreamer 2009-05-21T23:28:42Z Darla http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#72c51995-7128-4018-9749-1e894a59bd23 2009-05-16T01:58:46Z 2009-05-16T01:58:46Z

I think you mean what a friend of mine used to call the "pash*ts." Any way you look at it, it's a big ol' slice o' SUCK.

Darla 2009-05-16T01:58:46Z Survivor http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#824518b0-9181-473c-891f-43f694d4f635 2009-05-16T00:33:58Z 2009-05-16T00:33:58Z

Wait a minute, Darla--did you just call Ray twisted? What makes you think that anyone on this tribe would be twisted?! Yeah, I'm responding to other posts and not writing my own, I know. Things in my life are in a strange sort of limbo-land right now, so I don't really know how to explain much about it.

Survivor 2009-05-16T00:33:58Z Survivor http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#8948b6a6-ab6d-4ee9-b6b8-38a2a80e9c79 2009-05-16T00:26:24Z 2009-05-16T00:26:24Z

Isn't geting older the sh**s? (Or do I mean "pits?) The worst part is watching those older than ourselves age. It makes mortality suddenly seem too real. At least that's how it is for me. When I realize how my peeps are aging, I feel awful, too--old and depressed. Life ain't easy, is it? And it just seems to get harder with age.

Survivor 2009-05-16T00:26:24Z Survivor http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#b195b358-848c-4eeb-bcf5-6d62cf13978e 2009-05-16T00:19:10Z 2009-05-16T00:19:10Z

Oh, Dreamer, I can't like your sister, either! Besides that, she sounds seriously co-dependent. She does her thing, and expects everyone *else* to deal with the consequences that should be hers to deal with. That's exactly the same as an alcoholic personality--not to say that your sister is an alcoholic. You don't have to be to have the same patterns. The worst thing you can do, for everyone, is to keep letting her play her game and get away with it. She needs to be the one to clean up her own messes and not make everyone else do it, instead. Any kind of messes, emotional or otherwise. Sorry if I sound all heated about this. I had an alcoholic family member, now dead, thank God. I know the pattern all too well, and I feel kinda protective of you. I don't want to see you being put through this.

Survivor 2009-05-16T00:19:10Z Ray http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#ffc4a202-da21-42af-821d-cef0ec76739a 2009-05-15T08:07:54Z 2009-05-15T08:07:54Z

Fringe: Too late! Already indoctrinated! :) Age: This has begun to be an issue for me, growing more so over the past 5 years, back problems, weird pains, immune system not what it used to be. ...my remaining blood relatives are so sick mentally I have to keep them at arm's length in order to maintain my own sanity, so that's not so much an issue for me. Never was a "cool" person, always had to make my own way, and I DO agree that that makes aging somewhat easier. This being said, I look very young. Most people think I'm in my late 20's/early 30's not blew past 40... <<say less than 10% of what I am thinking and feeling so might be a little unintentionally cryptic. Don't mean it to be that way - after all, I know what I'm thinking! So, if you've found my posts disturbing, weird, or WTF, Darla? I'm sorry.>> This is online. Being genuine in life can be challenging, online... let it fly.... Darla, your posts seem neither cryptic, weird, disturbing, OR "downing" They make perfect sense, an illuminate good points. You're being too hard on yourself, just like Leah. And, *I* of course know NOTHING about being hard on one'sself... Yes you do, you goddamn hypocrite! Who said that?! :)

Ray 2009-05-15T08:07:54Z Darla http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#e4d541d3-1503-45b0-af4c-6f22e8d8b756 2009-05-14T22:38:07Z 2009-05-14T22:38:07Z

<<Ray, you simply MUST start watching Fringe on Fox. It's my new addiction (though the season just ended), and I highly recommend it to anyone who is, um, sorta twisted. I'm not hardcore sci-fi - for many reasons - but this might appeal to you.>> You know, aging is something that we have not addressed here on the board in my memory. Ironically, I spent the day with a friend I've known since I was a freshman in high school - some 36 years ago (!), and we spoke a little bit about getting older. It's such a subtle thing, mostly, when you start noticing changes in the texture of your skin, the gray in your hair, the wrinkles (which aren't so subtle, btw!). I have another friend who has always been beautiful and AT 60 still turns heads as a beautiful woman. It has been devastating for her to become older and lose some youthful luster. To see this in beloved parents or those who may have been parental for us is SO hard. To see the incremental changes in memory or energy or ability - so hard. It's hard to hold that it's part of the process, part of the plan, as it were, that the older of us get out of the way of the younger of us. It's hard when you are used to be "one of the cool people" and realize that you no longer are part of the cool people, but are quickly losing mainstream relevance (those of us who have always been outside the mainstream, either by our choice or as outcasts, have it easier I think). You have to find your place in the world in a whole new way. I realize that my last few posts have been either rambling or downer. I'm going through some really interesting and difficult (from my perspective) philosophical questions about my life, my way of being in the world and some of the major assumptions that I have always had about the world the veracity of which I am now questioning. I probably, being an introver (no, really, I AM an introvert!) say less than 10% of what I am thinking and feeling so might be a little unintentionally cryptic. Don't mean it to be that way - after all, I know what I'm thinking! So, if you've found my posts disturbing, weird, or WTF, Darla? I'm sorry.

Darla 2009-05-14T22:38:07Z Ray http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#8281f56b-6cc6-4bb9-879c-e545ea748140 2009-05-14T03:28:01Z 2009-05-14T03:28:01Z

Don't be so hard on yourself, Leah. Everyone slips during times of high-stress. It doesn't mean it's going to continue like that forever, and it doesn't mean you're a "bad" person. Just means you're human. I'm trying to convert myself to be as much borg as I can be myself, but my humanity just won't be denied. you're NOT old, you're NOT ugly (yer cutie!) you don't seem to be fat, And depression is what we're here for. Lastly, The world is a sick place, just wanting to disappear into your sci-fantasy land just means you like to spend time in a world where things are pleasent, and make sense. I spend much of my time in a similar world. you're welcome in my world if I can use the stargate to cross into yours as well. :)

Ray 2009-05-14T03:28:01Z Leah http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#e2d996b4-4060-439a-a529-8b8f36b33e09 2009-05-14T02:34:36Z 2009-05-14T02:34:36Z

Thanks Survivor! I love my parents SO much and I'm watching them both deteriorate very quickly. I'm having a really hard time watching all this happen. I know my parents want to have "the discussion" but the timing really sucked. I've resorted to comfort eating again and gained back some of the weight I had lost so now I feel old, ugly, fat and depressed. Is it any wonder I just want to escape into my medieval re-enactment world?

Leah 2009-05-14T02:34:36Z Dreamer http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#3427d8ff-4639-4069-8e94-487b55096dd8 2009-05-13T18:23:49Z 2009-05-13T18:23:49Z

Thanks Survivor. I will have to seriously think about that, not inviting my sister, scenario. she used to pull this trick when my mom had a home to open up to her family (she now lives with her fiance and doesnt feel comfortable doing so)... so my sister would come over, eat FIRST, before her kids and get angry at my mom for a stupid thing and storm off. not help financially or bring ANYTHING to share let alone clean up... sorry i was cussing in my last post, she makes me so angry. i try to get along with her just for my mothers sake, but i dont like my sister at all... very very sad to me.

Dreamer 2009-05-13T18:23:49Z Ray http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#bad47866-c253-463e-8f9b-420fa1f41f94 2009-05-13T08:56:09Z 2009-05-13T08:56:09Z

I figured out something in my teenage years that many counselors I've had have found "impressive". That's simply that we're all stories of an evolving species. All the mental health issues and family struggles; all just stories of individual people within a society evolving. Some people own up to their problems, and seek assistance, others stuck in denial. The ones that get help, evolve, and pass that along to others, who may also evolve more. Others refuse to evolve, and try to drag down others because they're too sick and narcissistic. Makes life hard on the ones who are trying to evolve.

Ray 2009-05-13T08:56:09Z starbuck http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#2073860e-4fc6-45dd-8821-8f33a9e4d26a 2009-05-13T02:52:23Z 2009-05-13T02:52:23Z

hi! :) i will read and post more later, but for now, i'm here, doing well, working on school , studying for finals, looking for a job, spending most of my free time with my girlfreind.

starbuck 2009-05-13T02:52:23Z Survivor http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#21c2783e-be4a-4a62-ac5d-e2d13f287c16 2009-05-12T18:41:20Z 2009-05-12T18:41:20Z

Oh, Leah, that is so, so awful. My mother and I have been talking a lot on the same subject, but as if we're talking about 30 years from now. (Which is possible. Women in my family live a long time. My mother's 75.) It isn't ever an easy subject, but, Mothers' Day? Oh, come on! I'm sorry things are rough.

Survivor 2009-05-12T18:41:20Z Survivor http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#aca6659c-1567-4cc6-9d3f-928bfa9551fe 2009-05-12T18:36:46Z 2009-05-12T18:36:46Z

Monica, since this is your sister (yeah, some sister,) and not your mother, you don't owe her anything. Just don't invite her over. It's your right to make that choice in your own life. Families can really suck, can't they? Anyone on the *depression* tribe have a perfect family? Let's see a show of hands.

Survivor 2009-05-12T18:36:46Z Ray http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#7469e2e1-97a0-485e-844c-8def573e957d 2009-05-12T06:22:22Z 2009-05-12T06:22:22Z

Glad to hear you're keeping that bright and sunny attitude! Had to do that myself for a relative who was abusive and ungrateful after I put my life on hold to help them. Families sux.

Ray 2009-05-12T06:22:22Z Ray http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#05a4b1df-7b00-4d4e-8979-f723a9ae883f 2009-05-12T06:20:12Z 2009-05-12T06:20:12Z

being of help to others can help bring you back into the world, as long as you don't get too depressed by their depression /situation ! Yes, the system frequently sux.

Ray 2009-05-12T06:20:12Z Ray http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#ecb41fe6-4771-4841-9f16-77f7e9d87342 2009-05-12T06:18:50Z 2009-05-12T06:18:50Z

I've been there. I wish I could show you pictures of the times I've been trhu and show you the process I've gone thru so you could see a brighter side. Sounds like the care you have available sucks. Where are you? Are there other agencies you could go to /try? Check out books by Dr Daniel Amen. Helped me. I wish I could wave a magic wand and heal your brain. Hang in there. (cliche' yes; meant, yes) PM me if you want

Ray 2009-05-12T06:18:50Z Leah http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#740cb87e-59e4-400e-902c-8e225bb6773a 2009-05-12T04:59:21Z 2009-05-12T04:59:21Z

I'm hanging in there but sometimes it feels like I'm walking a tightrope and am going to lose my balance. Mother's Day was delightful and heartbreaking all at the same time! How's THAT for weird? My sister flew in from Chicago and I'm always SO thrilled to see her because her health is bad and we live in different states and, well, I adore her and miss her and worry about her. We were all at my parents' house with our daughter and her family too. And it was delightful, until...Mom wanted to have a talk with my sister and I about...are you ready for this?? WHO GETS WHAT IN HER WILL!!!! I'm not kidding! My mother chose Mother's Day to ask my sister and I to decide what items we wanted and to let her know so she could make note of it for her attorney and financial planner! I'm not kidding! Hollywood couldn't make this scenario up! My sister and I just looked at each other with this perplexed expression on both our faces. Apparently my parents' attorney and financial advisor recommended this course of action. Both my parents' health seem to be failing and frankly, I just can't deal with all of this. So while Mother's Day brunch with the family was lovely, I've been borderline in tears all day today and feeling emotionally run over by a freight train. Getting older sucks. Watching those you love deteriorate before you eyes sucks even more and feeling powerless as it happens is the worst.

Leah 2009-05-12T04:59:21Z Dreamer http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#7d499906-e7a2-457b-90b1-1c38f58240eb 2009-05-12T02:16:54Z 2009-05-12T02:16:54Z

i am doing ok. recovering from a week of frantic cleaning, reaaranging and moving stuff to storage and out of the piles and boxes they had been hiding in for a year and ahalf. all of this my son and i accomplished in one week as well as work on the front yard. My mother had a lot of fun and the other kids enjoyed their visit, mainly me nieces and nephews... then there's my sister... yeah there HER i am going crazy right, trying to get everything ready for when people are supposed to show up at 12:30, she shows up at 11:15. No warning, just shows up! and tells me, oh i have to go to SO AND SO's jazz performance at 2, have to leave here by 1... i said, its 11:15... i am not ready yet. i texted you that i was running late!!!!!!! FUCK ME NOW!!!!! then she asks, "are you upset?" i said "no, i am not ready!" plain and flippin simple isnt it? my mom tells her (when i am out of the room BTW) that i am kinda cranky cause i have been cleaning for 2 days straight to get the house ready... after everyone leaves my mom continues to tell me that when my mom shared this information, my sister said "the house isn't even clean!" OMG see, this is why i don't invite anyone to my house. fuckin ungrateful prick! reminds me of why i dont like her ass!!!!!!! so yeah, besides that, my Mothers day was spendid!

Dreamer 2009-05-12T02:16:54Z Lady R http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#cf170416-f4ff-40d0-b6b6-3d2155c9089a 2009-05-11T23:28:00Z 2009-05-11T23:28:00Z

I bees buzzing. In a hypomanic phase now so only sleep about 4 hrs per day and don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself. I run, go to the gym, do crosswords, jigsaw puzzles - and yes, Bundt, thank God for TV. But I can remember only 2 months ago when I wished I were dead. Sometimes I try to remember that feeling (masochist) so that I can feel grateful for how I feel now cuz I know the Black Dog will eventually find me again. What a crappy illness. I underwent a 7 hr psych eval. last Tuesday. What a grueling and irritating experience. It was requested by my LTD policy since I know they are tired of paying my claim even though all my Dr's say I am unable to work. Anyone have these tests? The Wexler and the MMPI? What misanthropes created these exercises in punishment? Unless I were dead, I can guarantee the psychologist who administered the test will say I am capable of working. God I hate the system. On the bright side, I am starting to volunteer for the Portland, OR chapter of NAMI - Nat'l Alliance on Mental Illness. That, I hope, will be therapeutic and since I am in a good state right now, I can be of help to others. Renee

Lady R 2009-05-11T23:28:00Z bundt http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#20622fb0-e070-4227-82aa-d054936ef072 2009-05-11T17:48:14Z 2009-05-11T17:48:14Z

Just tired. Sick and tired. Thankfully there is TV.

bundt 2009-05-11T17:48:14Z just b http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#0ccb5ab8-9471-4074-9a4a-4b13b6323bfc 2009-05-11T16:22:04Z 2009-05-11T16:22:04Z

i went to the ER again yesterday, like i'm supposed to when i'm feeling that suicidal. i hate mother's day... i'd been sitting at home alone for 3 days, tyriing to use my dbt skills, trying to distract myself from the stabbing, searing pains that are always so much worse when i'm on my period, doing a little self-injury and trying to pretend i wasn't.... talked to the suicide lines for hours... so i went to the ER again, like i'm supposed to. waited for 7 hours alone in an airless, windowless, guarded cold room (they gave me blankets when i asked finally), talked to the social worker for about 10 minutes, and then waited 6 hours to talk to the psychiatrist, who then wrote me a script for 4 pills, and then i went home. just like the other times i've been... what an expensive and horrible way to waste a sunny sunday. round and round we go... i'm no less suicidal now than yesterday, and every time i go to the hospital they can't help me. i don't know what to do else though. i feel like all i am doing is going through the checklist of "things to do when suicidal" so that eventually when i find the courage to actually do it, hopefully people don't feel so bad since they will be able to say, "well, at least she tried everything". fuck me... i hate myself, i hate this pain, i hate being who i am... every time i seek help, there is none. all i can do is console myself with the phrase, "what cannot be cured, must be endured"... which is oh so consoling a thought. it brings me such hope to know that all i have to look forward to ever is merely enduring another day as i am... i have no hope, no joy, no love, and no answers. i've got to find a way to kill myself to make it look like an accident, i just don't want to hurt my family anymore. i am such a burden. i don't even know why i'm still here, i just want to die every day.

just b 2009-05-11T16:22:04Z Ray http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#d8e17e8b-d144-40dd-ac31-08111133cf1b 2009-05-11T09:16:53Z 2009-05-11T09:16:53Z

I'm here. Life is life. Not much new. depression is not affecting me too much right now., but tommrow's another day....

Ray 2009-05-11T09:16:53Z Darla http://DepressionTribe.tribe.net/thread/b2c5ae0a-3f22-441b-9572-9964e847bf1a#9bf00846-4916-4705-8046-11e465b5d932 2009-05-11T03:54:21Z 2009-05-11T03:54:21Z

Hey all, it's stand up and be counted time! How is everyone? I've been thwacked with one of the worst colds I have EVER had, and have been flat on my back for at least a week. One of the perks of being unemployed, I guess, is that you don't have to feel guilty for not going into work (even when you're sick) or going back to mounds upond mounds of work that no one else can do (or wants to). So, all, how bees it?

Darla 2009-05-11T03:54:21Z