Do you guys ever feel jealous when a very close friend finds another friend with whom they seem very involved all of a sudden? I mean I should be happy that my friend met a cool friend, right? It's just that we have always had a very intensely close friendship & I feel like now I'll have to share, or worse yet, lose my close bud status. I feel ridiculous even saying this... like I'm 12 years old or something, but it's making me sad. :-(
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Washington, D.C.
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Sun, June 29, 2008 - 9:02 AMSamantha, I don't think it makes you immature - I think it makes you human.
The same thing has happened to me. My best friend has a new friend who has basically pushed me right the hell out of the picture. It has been painful and has made me angry, but my friend doesn't see it. I think these things happen gradually so that the friend doesn't notice. I think Ron is the one who said something about loving with an open hand - to let people come and go as they need. It's a lofty goal, and can be really difficult, but I try to do this.
Now, that being said, you know how it is when a new lover comes into your life? How everything else (and everyONE else) disappears for awhile because you are so enamored of the new love? I think it can be like that with friends, too. A new friend, hobby, whatever - can be completely engrossing and that's all you eat, drink, and sleep. It's not a measure of the things and people that were there before, but rather feeding a need that the friend has AT THE MOMENT.
I can't say that things will return to the way they were with you and your friend, but perhaps some honest dialogue might help or just wait it out. Try not to judge yourself for the way you feel. Who said we ever STOP being 12 year olds? Twelve was a pretty good age, if I remember correctly - so, go easy on yourself. -
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Sun, June 29, 2008 - 9:20 AMYeah. We had this almost obsessive beginning to our friendship, him especially, where we would talk for hours every night. It was weird, but it worked. There was a lot of mention of how we'd never met someone else who really got us before. We still hang out & when we do it's still just as intense as ever, but I guess it's the in between time that seems bigger now. I guess every relationship has a "honeymoon" phase. It's just that I see that honeymoon phase going on with this new friend now at a time when I had really begun to notice that ours had passed. I think we have settled into that kind of relationship old married couples have now. The initial excitement for the first year or two has evolved into something deeper & yet not as outwardly exciting, maybe.
Eh, I ran out of 5-HTP last week. I think -what did you call it-The Black Dog is just nipping at my ankles & I'm blowing this out of proportion. -
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Sun, June 29, 2008 - 10:02 AMi dont think you can blow how your are truly feeling out of proportion. it really is affecting you and it's good that you are at least voicing it here.
i have a close friend that i have known for 15 years. we didnt get close until 4 years ago and we spent about 1.5 years hanging out almost everyday to walk at the park - we would talk (ok, she talked most of the time and i would listen) and the hours of walking went by quickly. we had gotten up to walking 6 miles one day... which when we started was not anywhere possible.
she injured her ankle and we stopped walking everyday. then i joined a gym to make up for the lax time. she eventually joined too. about 6 months later she threw her back out, that was last april.
there were times when she would call me up to come over and watch a movie, or go to dinner. and that doesnt happen anymore. i was very sad at first and it was time that i missed being able to vent/talk/laugh and share with each other.
i tried to talk to her about it but she isnt open to talking about why our relationship has changed. i know that i am not her only friend... so i have come to the conclusion that we have friends that meet a purpose in our lives and then they or we move on ... there is a quote somewhere to that effect and i dont know who wrote it. but it still hurts to NOT have that friend around
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Sun, June 29, 2008 - 2:17 PMYou can always make an effort to befriend your friend's friend - all of you go out to the movies or some nearby point of interest :)
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Sun, June 29, 2008 - 9:01 PMI noticed that the kids never had more than one friend at a time... they had friends but only one meaningful relationship at a time... They could get hurt real easy by their friends gravitating to a new friend... I saw them do this and go through this many times and now they are all adults I still see the same thing....
I was always a one friend kind of guy and not quick to make friends, even now I can count only 3-4 friends in the real world... None of I have seen in over a year...!!!
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Mon, June 30, 2008 - 1:01 AMWe all have a bit of a spouled brat in us. Just tell it to go to it's room and be glad it doesn't run your life.
Patrick -
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Mon, June 30, 2008 - 8:11 AMyup, ive had the same thing happen...but now we are still very close and 'the other friend' has moved away to na new city....you know what im saying?...things change...but what youve built within that friendship will never change.
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Mon, June 30, 2008 - 1:16 PMChange makes people nervous and we often cling to the way things used to be. Not immature, normal.
I've been thinking about friendships recently, and I realized I've had a number of close friends over the years, but haven't had one in a long time. I'm still fond of my old friends, but for one reason or another (distance, change of interests) I don't hang out with them much anymore and I've not replaced them. -
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Mon, June 30, 2008 - 9:35 PMI'm in a slightly better place than when I wrote that. I think in general it would be a good idea for me to... I won't say emotionally separate or pull back from my friend, but maybe not be so reliant upon him. We still have a very close relationship & I think we will for a very long time & I shouldn't be quite so bothered with what he does with his other friends. Regardless of this other friend, I think it would be healthier for me to become less reliant on him. -
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Tue, July 1, 2008 - 1:31 AMhugs.... glad youre in a better place....xx -
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Tue, July 1, 2008 - 6:10 PMi started puting trace amounts of 5htp in my hot coaco, like half a 50 miligram pill and a forth of a 50 miligram pill of GABA per 5 or ten cups worth of coaco powder. it's more fun than coffee. :)
but ya, i can simpathise.i've had a couple freinds like that over the years.all you can do is keep up your end of your emotions, the rest is up to them, it's sad when a freindship fades thow.
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Wed, July 2, 2008 - 3:39 PM"I think in general it would be a good idea for me to... I won't say emotionally separate or pull back from my friend, but maybe not be so reliant upon him. We still have a very close relationship & I think we will for a very long time & I shouldn't be quite so bothered with what he does with his other friends. Regardless of this other friend, I think it would be healthier for me to become less reliant on him."
One of my friends and I went through the same thing. I felt the same way as you....I pulled back a little, became less reliant, and our friendship actually improved a lot after that. Yeah, he has other friends that he's close with....but I know that he and I will be really good friends for a long time.
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Wed, July 2, 2008 - 8:56 PMThat's reassuring to hear, Allison. Thanks.
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Thu, July 3, 2008 - 12:03 PMIt's hard on us. We need support, and sometimes the support we need isn't where we expect it, a friend has a friend, that's a good thing, except when you lose time you need, and support you need.
The thing is why is this friend not also your friend? Nothing in common? Is there a way to invite both people out to do things and share things and broaden your own friendships? (I know its tough, I don't make friends as easily as I used to.) -
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Thu, July 3, 2008 - 5:08 PMI'm trying that approach now, actually, Tim! We have a lot in common. -
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Mon, July 7, 2008 - 8:04 PMYay! Good for you.
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Re: This makes me feel so immature
Wed, July 9, 2008 - 2:36 PMOne other thing. I usually go to see music with specific friends. Those friends chose not to go to High Sierra Music Festival this year, but I wanted to go. So I went with other people, camped in a different spot and *met* some really cool people. I never would have met those people if I'd been with my regular friends.
So I guess I'm saying that change can often be a good thing, if you accept it.
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