I've always had trouble telling the difference between (letting go and letting die)

me I'm still working on that one.

Patrick

Boy, *CAN I RELATE* !!
I've heard of the "let go" advice for along time,
and, while I HAVE successfully let go of many things,
many others are a work in progress and are unlikely
that I will be able to let go of.

First, I'll share advice that I leraned in counseling;
and that is to remove people in your life that
are toxic, if at all possible. I'm not saying this is
easy; it takes work and effort, but I've done it
with many people in my life who I realized were
never going to treat me with respect and consideration.
I had been locked into a belief (a fantasy)
that if I could get these people to read a book
or get counseling, that they would
"change" and we could have an adult, positive,
functioning relationship. My counselor helped
me realize that this was a FANTASY, and that these
people were NEVER going to do this, and that
I need to put my mental health ahead of trying
to have relationships with these type of people.

I have PTSD as well, although it was pretty obvious.
My dad's behavior caused me to develop
precursors, so that it was highly liklly that
in later years I would develop full blown PTSD.
I'm working on my PTSD, ....
I'm a functioning person again, but the
triggers are still there, the anger is a constatnt
companion in my life, and are things that I, too
struggle with day to day. Meds have helped in a big
way here, I have a dramatic lessening of the circular thinking that
goes along with this typically, so I am able to function now.
I have always had ways to manage my anger,
but I've found that they were not fully up to the task
of managing PTSD level of anger.
With the meds, they've become a helper again.
I find excersize, heavy metal, and videogames
a great management tool.
MY dad is a toxic, negative, anxiety-ridden
person with control issues as well;
and I worked for a person who was truly meglomaniacal.
Be gentle with yourself, realize that what you feel
is normal, and a protective response to these kinds of people.

I FINALLY quiet working for the MM ass, although it took time.
My father is still in my life, but I'm working on that, too.
Do NOT blame yourself for anger. It is NOT a charactar flaw,
it is a normal, healthy human emotion. Like I said, it's
a protective reaction. Find a positive way to vent it. FEEL
it. Don't shove it away. It's a powerful feeling, and you
may be able to channel some of that energy into
dealing with the toxic person/people in your life
in a more powerful, assertive way.

I have been able (mostly) to be in a forgiving place
relating to my father, realizing the environ he
came up in has caused him to be the person he
is; and that, in his essence, he is not a bad person.
I have off days, too, like any human, and there
are days I hate him and acknowledge him as a pure
ass. Don't beat yourself up; it's just part of the
process. The less I have to deal with him, the
easier forgivness is, the more I have to deal with him,
the more it's hard. Try to find something to help
you detox from when you have to deal with him.

Realize that you ARE being played when you're dealing with him.
You may or may not be able to react in a heathier way, but
go in, knowing you're being manipulated. even if it's after the fact,
you can modulate your response to the control and abuse.
Realize the person you're delaing with is *S-I-C-K*
really, really sick.
This makes it easier to be gentle with yourself.
You've already made some hefty, positive steps.
being able to squelch/calm down while you're feeling the anger
with a perception is HUGE. *I'm* still working on that.

Things are a PROCESS. You may be able to "release" anger
someday, but first you learn MANAGEMENT. Even if you
only get to the managemnet step, it's huge in and unto itself.
Shoot for ideals, but be kind to yourself as well and realize
you do the best you can at the moment.

I'll stop typing now (!) and let you respond / ask ?s