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I'm kind of a mess. Today was good, did Habitat with my grad program, and had a great time. But tonight I'm falling apart, getting angry/lonely/longing for both someone I loved, and someone I just have a crush on. What is going on? I'm losing my mind. It'll come back in the morning. What triggered this? Usually people seem to know...I have no idea. Damn, I wish there was a way to not do any damage. I feel like a werewolf that needs to be strapped down at the full moon, except I have no idea when it is (apparently it's waning gibbous now, so I guess that's not it).
I'm not diagnosed as bipolar but I swear to god I must have it. Who cares if the episodes don't last for 4 days? Someone described a mixed state and maybe this is what happens to me when I'm not just depressed, I'm having racing crazy thoughts AND they're all negative, then loving and euphoric, etc. It is definitely not cool.
Ugh...it's okay. At least I don't want to die or anything. I have methods in my car, from a week ago, but haven't had thoughts about using it at all. I just can't bring myself to get rid of it. :-/
I hope I'm not overposting. There is really nowhere else to say this stuff. I can't vent this to non-crazy friends, and I'm always worried about catching the crazy friends at the wrong time and making a bad day for them worse. Hard to know when it's okay to talk about. Thank god for the internet...even though it's caused me troubles before, I think it's done more good than harm.
I miss Ambien. I can't take that shit, I'd just be suicidal tomorrow, but this is the kind of place I get into where I want to take it because it would make me feel like all is well with the world and I am full of unconditional love for humanity. Sigh...I'll just pray.
I'm not diagnosed as bipolar but I swear to god I must have it. Who cares if the episodes don't last for 4 days? Someone described a mixed state and maybe this is what happens to me when I'm not just depressed, I'm having racing crazy thoughts AND they're all negative, then loving and euphoric, etc. It is definitely not cool.
Ugh...it's okay. At least I don't want to die or anything. I have methods in my car, from a week ago, but haven't had thoughts about using it at all. I just can't bring myself to get rid of it. :-/
I hope I'm not overposting. There is really nowhere else to say this stuff. I can't vent this to non-crazy friends, and I'm always worried about catching the crazy friends at the wrong time and making a bad day for them worse. Hard to know when it's okay to talk about. Thank god for the internet...even though it's caused me troubles before, I think it's done more good than harm.
I miss Ambien. I can't take that shit, I'd just be suicidal tomorrow, but this is the kind of place I get into where I want to take it because it would make me feel like all is well with the world and I am full of unconditional love for humanity. Sigh...I'll just pray.
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Virginia
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Re: Mixed state maybe?
Sat, November 7, 2009 - 9:01 PMRachel...dear...
Don't worry about "over-posting"...
we're here to help each other....
and don't make yourself sick by worrying
about how "other crazy people's days"
are going....posting will help you get it
off your chest, which will, in and unto itself,
help to some degree;
and mostly, people when they're having bad days will
respond by:
A-Not logging on/not posting
B-Say "yeah, mee too" (realizing, with relief, they're not the only one who's
feeling awful)
C-ignore someone else to post their own horriffic day
D-Support someone else so they don't have to deal with their OWN crap
E-or b, c AND d
Don't stay stuck in your own head;
that is one sure way to make whatever's
going on worse.
>>HUGZ<< -
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Re: Mixed state maybe?
Sun, November 8, 2009 - 11:25 AMOh honey! I'm sorry I missed this until now.
As Ray says, don't worry about overposting, especially if you're having a rough time. This time, listen to Mama D's voice: POST AS MUCH AS YOU NEED TO!
Switching meds can really mess you up. Try to hang in there and just tell yourself that you will get through the rockiness of it. Really, there are no hard and fast rules about this tribe except that you have to allow space for other people's opinions. That's about it. Oh, and don't be rude...well, a little is okay!
Albert Ellis said to avoid "shoulding" on yourself. We are the people of the shoulds. We SHOULD do this, we should do that - if only we were better people, our lives SHOULD look like xyz. What utter bullshit. People lie to us (media, society, etc.) and we believe it. We believe that we should have universal, unconditional love for humanity. I'm beginning to see that as flawed.
For instance, I DO have unconditional love for my stepdaughter and would take a bullet gladly to save her life. But my RELATIONSHIP with her is NOT unconditional. I won't participate in her life when I think she is harming herself. (No, it's not about sexual stuff, it's about her work ethic, or lack thereof).
You just broke up with your boyfriend, honey. That's hard, even if it was for the best. It's exhilarating one moment and crushing the next. That ain't so much depression as it is LIFE.
Please be gentle with yourself, Rachel. Even though you are new, I can tell that you are a thoughtful, caring person. Turn some of that on yourself, eh???
Hugs, dear one! -
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Re: Mixed state maybe?
Sun, November 8, 2009 - 4:39 PMDarla, you're awesome. I agree with your post & couldn't have said it any better.
Feel free to talk here, girl!
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Re: Mixed state maybe?
Mon, November 9, 2009 - 9:33 AMThanks all! It warms my heart to see the support on this tribe. I almost wish I could give everyone a month of mental illness, just because I think the world would be a better place for it!
Darla - thanks for pointing out the Shoulding on ourselves. How true! My old therapist said that as well, and it really hit home. She said, "Shoulding on yourself is the same as shitting on yourself." So right. She was great...too bad I moved and changed schools!
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Re: Mixed state maybe?
Mon, November 9, 2009 - 1:37 PM> What triggered this? Usually people seem to know...I have no idea.
I never really know myself. I think it may be something that happened, or something I'm not eating or doing, or the weather, but in the end I really don't know what brings on the bad times. There are so many forces at work on us that it is difficult to pinpoint one thing. -
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Re: Mixed state maybe?
Mon, November 9, 2009 - 10:57 PMI'm with you on this one, bundt. Sometimes I can pinpoint a specific incident, cause, etc. but sometimes it's just because I woke up. I think asking why CAN be crazymaking, but it can be helpful. I think that it's good to ask the question but if there is no immediate or clear answer, don't obsess over it.
There ARE so many factors, as bundt said - what you're eating, not eating, the song you heard, the commercial that triggered a thought - it might be easier to isolate what DOESN'T trigger us... -
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Re: Mixed state maybe?
Tue, November 10, 2009 - 7:38 AMOkay. Maybe I had a misconception...I don't so much care what triggered it as the doctors are constantly asking, which makes me feel that I'm supposed to have some crystallized reason. Next time I want to say "chemical imbalance, that's why I'm here." :-p -
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Re: Mixed state maybe?
Tue, November 10, 2009 - 7:51 AMOr, Rachel, the next time the doctors ask, you can lean slightly forward in your chair and say, "Why do YOU think triggered it?"
LOL.
I used to have a really understanding therapist (obviously to work with me). When she would lapse into therapist speak and say something kinda lame like "Let's just wonder about that" or "Would you amplify that?" I would call her wonder woman or repeat what I had just said, only more loudly. She would ALWAYS laugh, God bless her!
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