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I just need to get it out.

topic posted Fri, June 12, 2009 - 8:22 PM by  Rachel 		Share/Save/Bookmark
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Hey guys. I know that really, I need therapy, but I'm between undergrad and grad schools, completely swamped by bills and there is absolutely no way to get to therapy right now. Thank god my psychiatrist at school gave me meds to last the summer. But I'm not doing well today. This guy I love, well he's pretty crazy too, and we don't even have a relationship except online but I swear it's a rollercoaster...can feel so amazing and can get me suicidal too. He is evasive (I am pretty sure he has Borderline Personality disorder) and it makes me paranoid...and he overreacts, and I overreact, and then it's so terrible. And he moved far away, and I know that doesn't matter because we didn't see each other in person, but he's going to move on probably and I hate that. I know I should not give him this much power. Probably in a Freudian way I'm trying to get dad's approval that never happened...barf.
Do you think you can be soulmates with someone you can never be with? We want none of the same things. He can't directly talk to me. It's never going to happen, whatever we like to say in our romantic moments. Right now I just feel like totally giving up. Sometimes the reason I don't is just because my financial debt would fall on other people, and I know that's so unfair. I tried to kill myself once, I wanted to be with my mom, but all that happened is I ended up with MORE debt for hospital bills.
I'm so lost right now. I hope this doesn't make anyone else more depressed!!! That isn't what I want. I just needed someone to understand without calling me pathetic, and acting like I can just let this guy go by flipping a magic switch. When I think about him not caring anymore, it makes things seem not worth it. I know I have a purpose here, but if I am this disillusioned about something I REALLY believed in, do I really believe I can make a difference like I thought I could? Maybe going to grad school will lead to nothing satisfying.
I don't know. I'm just rambling this here because I don't want to do anything drastic. My dad does not understand, and my best friend is a therapist and SO understanding, but she listens to me talk about him ALL THE TIME, the up and down drama crap, and I just don't know how much of that one can take.
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Rachel
offline Rachel
Virginia
26 friends
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  • Re: I just need to get it out.

    Fri, June 12, 2009 - 8:56 PM
    First of all, anon, welcome. Glad you posted what you're feeling, even if it is pukey.

    As my own therapist would say, you need to slow things down. You sound like you're in a blender! Stuff is hard right now, and if you don't slow down, you'll just keep going around and around with everything and feeling more cut up.

    I'm glad your college shrink hooked you up. It's hard right now with nobody having benefits and finding compassionate folks. It's a blessing when you do, and they ARE out there.

    I hope you won't mind my saying, but dude, you sound like you are in a totally toxic "relationship." You trigger each other, he's not very nice, and you end up feeling like crap. And you are in this why? My mother used to say "Bad breath is better than no breath." Is that at play here?

    Anyhow, dear heart, welcome, and we are here for you...
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  • Ray
    Ray
    offline 15

    Re: I just need to get it out.

    Sat, June 13, 2009 - 7:11 PM
    Welcome, anon.
    I can see what you're going thru, and I've been there.
    Right now your thoughts are racing, and like mama D said,
    it's like you're in a blender.... there's no clear way "up" -
    you're not sure which direction you're going in....
    My first good counselor reccomended something I'll pass on to
    you: TAKE A BREAK. Go see a movie and get out of your own brain
    for a couple of hours.
    You may want to go talk to your school med doctor, this may be a reaction
    or side-affect of one of the meds they had you try.
    It's extremely difficult to make any progress when your mind is racing.
    I hate saying things like this, because it can sound preachy;
    but you need to make a list of all the bad things about this
    relationship - anytime someone is in such a hyper-emotional rollercoaster
    that it brings you between such extreme extremes; thyat is not safe or healthy -
    and you must do everything you can to maximize your mental health right now,
    even if difficult or painful. II think you've got some good
    insight-instincts to why you may be doing what you're doing....
    listen to them and have the courage to not make further
    bad choices for yourself.
    Why can you not get therapy?
    Is it money or time constraints that prevent you?
    You may need to make counseling, even if just for a month, a priority.
    Find some way to make the time; and there is probably either a free
    or very low cost service available to you. You may need to be persistant
    to find it, but it's likely available.
    At any rate, you've got people who've been thru the blender
    here to listen and support.
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    • Surv...
      Survivor
      offline 28

      Re: I just need to get it out.

      Sun, June 14, 2009 - 1:46 PM
      Hi, anonymous one. I'm glad you felt comfortable coming here and telling us what's going on with you. There is a great bunch of people here who do care. Most of us have been there and know how it feels, for us. I won't say we know how it feels for you, personally, because no one can know that but you. No,"yeah, I've been there;" no "you need to do X." It isn't for me to preach at you from my experiences, because I'm not you.

      From my own, personal experience, though, I can say that being in a relationship to try to replace the non-acceptance of someone else has only hurt more. It never happened; no one else can make up for something that they aren't a part of. And then, when the relationships went bad, I just felt totally dissed and less accepted for myself than I did before. I agree with others here about this being a toxic relationship. It may be better for you to be the one to let go, even if it's only to distance yourself from those things you hoped this relationship could give you.
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  • star...
    starbuck
    offline 17

    Re: I just need to get it out.

    Mon, June 15, 2009 - 7:15 AM
    if you had a big bloody sore on the bottom of your foot and it made it so you couldn't walk without limping painfully, you would make goingt to the doctor and getting the rite crutches and geting your self back walking again a major priority.
    and if it was a spesific pair of shoes that did that to your foot, ... even if those shoes and you wer ment for eachother in some cosmic spiritual sence, you would stop wering those shoes.

    somtimes we are ment for somone, and them for us. but that dosn't meen that we wer ment to be with them forever, just that we wer ment to experience each other and then move forwards from ther.
    for example,
    i once had this hamburger, this is not a metifor, i'm talking about a literal hamburger.
    it was the best efing hamburger i ever had. after that day i never forgot that hamburger, i actualy had a dream about it once.
    me and that hamburger wer ment for eachother. (i know how silly it sounds, but if you had experienced what i experienced with this hamburger ... it had picles...)

    eventualy i took up cooking as a hobby,

    i've cooked things that make that hamburger seem like the greasy spoon thing that it was.

    i would have completly wasted that hamburger if i had tryed to keep it,

    some things in life are just ment to touch us, pass throo us, and get flushed down the toilet, leaving behind only a memorys.

    memorys and poop.
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  • Rachel
    Rachel
    offline 26

    Re: I just need to get it out.

    Mon, June 15, 2009 - 10:49 AM
    Thanks, everyone! Yes...I will see if there is a mental health association here (I am in my dad's city for the summer so I have no idea)...for some reason I feel SO guilty utilizing those services. I know those counselors get paid crap...but still, I pay taxes and all and that's what that stuff is there for. I should get over the guilt.

    That hamburger metaphor was great!
    I'm glad I wrote it down here...I figured it would be the one place where I wouldn't be called pathetic or said to just be wanting attention/emo.
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    • Dawn
      Dawn
      offline 207

      Re: I just need to get it out.

      Mon, June 15, 2009 - 11:52 AM
      Guilt is a huge part of depression. These people get paid little, but they choose to be there because they want to help people like you & me who need it. The best way you could pay them is to use the energy you have to heal yourself!

      Welcome to the tribe. :)
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      • Rachel
        Rachel
        offline 26

        Re: I just need to get it out.

        Tue, June 16, 2009 - 8:46 AM
        Thank you so much, Dawn. That helped a lot.
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        • Surv...
          Survivor
          offline 28

          Re: I just need to get it out.

          Tue, June 16, 2009 - 10:02 AM
          Yep, well put, Dawn. Thanks!
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          • bundt
            bundt
            offline 51

            Re: I just need to get it out.

            Tue, June 16, 2009 - 3:55 PM
            Ok, I meant to post this yesterday, but for some reason didn't get around to it.

            Please keep in mind, anon124, that I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to provide a little perspective.

            Love. We all have a different idea of what it is, and our idea changes over time.

            Personally, I analyze, because that's the kind of brain I have.

            To me there are several elements of love.

            First there is the attraction. That feeling which makes us go "wow!" when a person we like enters the room. Some call it love at first sight. I think of it as just a feeling. We have no control over the feeling. I call it infatuation or a crush. To me love is more than just that feeling. I have that feeling about several woman right now, to greater or less degrees. Many of those women I have a crush on are married or are otherwise taken. A few are gay and therefore unavailable to a man like me. A few I've already asked out once or twice and been rejected. I still feel strongly about them, but I have to live with the fact that I can't have what I want with them. And there are some who are available, maybe even interested, who I just know would make me miserable.

            The point being that the feeling is not the same as being in love. To me, love involves shared experiences. Love involves intimacy, both physical and emotional. Love involves trust and understanding. And love is both ways. In other words, anon124, I don't believe that a person can really be in love over the internet.

            You're not pathetic, not by any stretch. We all have these feelings. As I said, we can't control them. But we can control what we do about them.

            So when you say "Do you think you can be soulmates with someone you can never be with?" I have to say no. But the fact that you want it to work doesn't make you pathetic, just a human being with needs and feelings and, I hope, someone who is learning something about life.

            It also tells me that you are someone who wants life to be better than it is now. And that means you want a life. That means getting through this, getting through grad school, and continuing to live. It's not easy, there is no magic switch, but you will eventually get over this guy.

            In the mean time, feel free to vent and be emo. It's what we're all here for.
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            • Surv...
              Survivor
              offline 28

              Re: I just need to get it out.

              Tue, June 16, 2009 - 4:00 PM
              What a wise and thought-provoking post, Bundt. (Where ya been hidin', anyway?)
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              • Re: I just need to get it out.

                Tue, June 16, 2009 - 4:27 PM
                Yeah, what Surv said, bundt!!!

                Also, when reading your post, bundt, I realized that there was something that was an important idea that I hadn't thought of in a long time, and that is something that I heard Oprah say once: love is behavior.

                That sounds counterintuitive on the surface, but when I am NOT feelin' it, I remember that and, since I love my husband, I behave in such a way that tells him that I love him. No, I ain't feelin' it, but it doesn't matter. Feelings are not always reliable, and, as Ray (I think) pointed out, our depressed minds can lie to us.

                Man, I love this tribe. You might be depressed, but you certainly ARE thinkers, and I appreciate that more than I can say!
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